


Tears That Still Drip Sore

by Janie94



Category: British Actor RPF, Merlin (TV), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, San Diego Comic-Con, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:00:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4519356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janie94/pseuds/Janie94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been been more than a year since Bradley and Colin talked on the phone.<br/>Bradley tells himself it's for the best, because how can he tell Colin he has fallen for him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears That Still Drip Sore

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this came from. I've watched Merthur videos for the first time in two years and then this happened.

 

 

**Tears That Still Drip Sore**

  


Most days he has it under control. Most days he manages to distract himself from the pain in his heart. Most days he’s alright. Today isn’t most days.

The morning had been so promising: He had woken up in the soft bed of his hotel room in San Diego, ready for a stressful but exciting day at the yearly Comic Con. The cast of “Damien” was being introduced to the audience and Bradley would be presented as the lead actor. Last time he had been at Comic Con was three years ago for the final series of “Merlin”, but he dismissed that memory quickly before it would leave scars again.

Now though, long after their panel had ended, he was sitting at the bar and staring at his refilled vodka glass that failed to make him forget. Today on stage, when thousands of fans had greeted him with the deafening sound of their screaming, he had grinned and looked to his right to see his excitement mirrored on Colin’s face, but there was no one else beside him. And too late he remembered that Colin belonged to a chapter of his life which had closed long ago.

Bradley isn’t sure how he has made it through the day, but now twelve hours later he’s finally alone except for the barkeeper. And now he can’t suppress his feelings anymore, the pain contracting his chest and his vision slowly begins to blur.

He looks up when another shot is placed before him and finds the barkeeper – a dark man in his late thirties – giving him a sympathetic smile.  
“You look like you need one. You were part of the panels earlier, right, Mr. James?”  
He nods at the VIP card still hanging around Bradley’s neck.

“Yeah, our TV show announced its cast today. And it’s Bradley, by the way.”

He shakes the barkeeper’s hand whose smile widens the slightest bit. “I’m Larry. So tell me, Bradley, didn’t your panel go as well as planned or why are you looking as though somebody has died?”

Larry begins to mop the counter and doesn’t look at Bradley, clearly giving him the option to drop it. But Bradley guesses he might as well tell that stranger, it’s not like there’s any harm to it.

“I’ve been a fool.”

Larry chuckles amusedly, but doesn’t interrupt him.

“I’ve fallen in love with somebody I once considered my best friend.”

Larry’s motions slow down, but he still keeps his eyes down and Bradley is glad. He’s not sure if he could continue once Larry met his gaze. “Why is that such a bad thing?”

“Because I only realized that once we parted ways. And now it’s too late to make it right.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“No,” Bradley says with a sad smile. He wishes they had. Then he would have a reason to see Colin even if it was just to apologize. His mind begins to wander to the day they met.

“We met in the audition room for our TV room and we were co-stars for five years. Even after the show had ended, we kept in contact and I accompanied him for the events when he had his breakthrough at the theatre.”

He’s not sure when Larry has started looking at him, but he doesn’t care anymore. “What changed?”

“He was busy in Britain and two years ago the first job offers from America came for me.”

Larry’s encouraging smile turns to a grimace. “Ah yes, the dream factory. You accepted I guess.”

Bradley feels like a scolded child but nods anyway. “I accepted a guest role and told myself I’d come back to London after I shot it. Everything was fine at first, I called Colin every few days and when my scenes were done, I flew back and met him at the airport.” He downs the shot Larry has offered him. “Then I got an offer for a recurring role on another TV show in the US which meant I’d have to stay there for months.” Even though Larry hasn’t said a word Bradley feels so stupid. It sounds so insignificant now that he says it aloud. “He was being so successful and that guest role had been my first job for two years. It had been fun, so I really wanted to do something more. He was happy for me and he urged me to accept. And I did, because it was only for a few months. We still called each other regularly, but the interval between those calls increased each time. Colin had accepted multiple roles, so I figured he didn’t have time. And when I returned, I could visit him on set every now and then, at least I told myself that.”

Larry is already handing him another shot which he gratefully accepts. “Let me guess, you got another role.”

“Yeah, main cast even. I told Colin and he seemed happy for me. That was our last phone call, more than a year ago.”

“Why? What part of the story did you leave out?”

Bradley focuses on his empty glass, his eyes following the trail of a drop rolling down. “He said he was going on a long vacation anyway. With his girlfriend.”

Even after all this time the words still hurt him deep. His voice is hoarse when he continues. “I told him I needed some time alone anyway. To sort a few things out. And I’d call him once it was alright again.”

Larry sighs heavily. “You know that was a cowardly move, right? You should have told him about your feelings for him right then and there.”

“And ruin our friendship? For what? He was with somebody else.”

“True, but the two of you would have come clean at least. And if you really were best friends, he wouldn’t have treated you differently. He wouldn’t have let you down.”

“No, probably not. But I don’t know if I could have dealt with him being with somebody else. It still hurts thinking about it.”

He jerks when Larry takers his hand and gives it a small squeeze. “Listen, boy, it won’t get better as long as you avoid it. You need to deal with it or you’ll break.”

“I’m already broken,” Bradley and he’s aware how pathetic he sounds.

“Not beyond repair,” Larry says with a gentle twitch of his lips that would irritate the hell out of Bradley if he wasn’t inebriated right now. “You have a choice to make, Bradley. Either you keep on avoiding Colin and reminisce about good old times when you have nothing to distract yourself or you take your phone out of your pocket and call him to make things right. It’s up to you.”

And with that Larry leaves him alone.

Bradley sits there for a few more minutes, wondering if he’s ready to deal with this. What he needs to say, might ruin his friendship with Colin forever, but at least it would be a clean cut. It was certainly better than the way they had left things hanging.

Bradley stands up slowly and drops a few notes for Larry before he takes the lift up to his floor. When he enters his room, he walks to the window and stares at the city lights in the background before finally pulling his phone out. He doesn’t speed dial Colin but stares at his name and picture for a long time. His finger hovers uncertainly over the call symbol until he looks up at the window again. Instead of the outside, he focuses on his reflection in the glass. 

He can see the dark rings under his eyes and how dull his gaze has become. 

He’s broken.

And this phone call will decide whether he’s meant to get healed… or shattered.

He pushes the symbol and brings his phone to his ear. It takes five rings until somebody picks up and a familiar voice picks up.

“ _Bradley, is that really you?”_

God, he sounds just the same. Only with a distress to his tone that Bradley hasn’t heard outside of filming. He realizes Colin must have been  _really_ worried and it makes him feel like an idiot.

“Yeah, it’s me. Colin, I have a lot of explaining to do and I shouldn’t do that over the phone. Can we meet?”

The excitement in Colin’s voice is obvious and makes Bradley feel even worse for creating this mess. _“Yeah, sure, of course. But I’m in London and-“_

“I know,” Bradley interrupts him. He needs to get this out before he loses the courage to tell his former friend. “I’ll take the next flight to London.”

Colin lets out a relieved sigh. _“Great, call me when you’re here.”_

“I will.”

Bradley is about to end the call when Colin speaks again. _"Bradley, are you okay again?”_

The lie is already on Bradley’s tongue when he decides he can’t do this. Trying not to trouble Colin has brought them into this mess in the first place and he needs to be honest now.

“No, I’m far from okay. I don’t know if I will ever be.”  
Although he can’t see Colin’s face, he can imagine the worry in his eyes all too clearly. _“I’m sure we can work this out. Just come to me.”_ He sounds as desperate as Bradley feels.

It makes Bradley wonder how he could ever think that distancing himself from Colin might be for the best.

“See you tomorrow.”

He drops his phone to the bed and turns back to the window. It has started raining outside and the raindrops running down the glass blend in with his reflection making it seem like he’s crying. A moment later Bradley realizes that he  _is_ .

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment or leave kudos!


End file.
